Covid-19 Quarantine and Mental Illness

Much has been written about this devastating and widespread virus that has claimed the lives of thousands and has caused severe economic down turns on a global scale.

And then there are the effects of the physical quarantine on millions of people  – both positive and negative – that have literally changed lives, perhaps permanently.

For those suffering from mental illness in its various forms and degrees, from one end of the spectrum to the other, the quarantine’s effect can be a totally different entity altogether.

I cannot speak for anyone else but myself. Each individual and each case is unique. I can’t stress this enough, so it is not wise nor fair to compare.

Being an introverted person with, what I would like to think, many creative talents, this extended home stay has been an advantage. I relish the unhurried pace. I enjoy the fact that I don’t have a deadline (other than the one I impose upon myself) and can work on creative projects to the minutest detail. It is a relief for me to not have to face many people in my line of work. Somehow, the ZOOM meetings are not as tedious, though they were stressful for me to use at first.

Having Bi-polar 2 Disorder is a challenge, especially when “week 3” of quarantine began. The “vacation” was over. What’s next? This is what the “mania” side of the disorder asked.

My medications and a very supportive husband have allowed me to be functional 80% of the time, even at home. However, it is important to differentiate between being able to function 80% of the time and functioning at only, say, 30% of “myself”.

By the 4th week, depression hit. This was the “30%”. When the depression side of Bi-polar 2 hits, it hits hard. The simplest tasks are even too difficult to think about, much less do, and sometimes overwhelming guilt exacerbates it. It has been almost 2 weeks now, with many days of severe depression.

At this time of quarantine, the guilt somehow increases tenfold because of all the thoughts that compete for attention – both the depressive and manic sides.

“I should be able to manage my time better. I should be able to accomplish more because I have more time to focus. I should be able to finish many projects by the time this quarantine is lifted. I should be less stressed out and depressed since I don’t have outside pressure from work. I should be looking for a better paying job after all this is over. I should not sleep too much even if my brain and body are exhausted.”

Well, my advice to myself would be…STOP!

Stop being so hard on myself that I end up back to square 1 – depression and guilt.

Stop blaming myself.

Stop expecting too much from myself. My productivity is reduced because of my condition, and I need to accept that, no matter how long it takes.

Stop berating myself for wanting the TV on so that my rushing thoughts focus on less stressful things, like dream home renovations.

Stop feeling guilty for wanting – needing – more rest.

For those of us who also suffer from “rushing thoughts’, rest for the mind is a must. And sleep is the only complete rest for this. If I need more sleep, especially when I am medicated, then I need to sleep. My body and mind need it. I’ll be all the better for it once I’ve had enough rest.

And this quarantine time is a good time to rest when necessary. Don’t feel guilty.

I do not know how long I would need to stay home. I don’t know when I will finally be able to walk outside and just enjoy the flowers blooming in this city I live in. I don’t know how much time our beloved senior dog will have left as she suffers from Acute Renal Failure. There are so many unknowns. And my brain is causing my head to physically ache almost everyday.

I don’t need to know them all. I can only take so much without breaking down completely. I can only wait, rest, do whatever activity I can, trust, hope, and stay in touch with family and friends.

For those of us who suffer from mental illness, especially during this lockdown in many parts of the world, let’s get all the support we need wherever we can. The safest way is online, via social media.

Get in touch with family, friends, or friends of friends through Facebook or any social media platform you may have. Reach out to someone you think you can trust. Stigma or not, your mental health and well-being are important. Someone you trust. Remember, someone you trust.

May God sustain us all and heal our land.

 

A Rainbow Spells “H-O-P-E”

I woke up early this morning to witness a perfectly arched and unbroken rainbow. It was literally “clear as day”.

It rained for several days here by the beach – on and off — like a leaky tap.

So the start of the day was, to say the least, hopeful.

Inundated by depressing and stressful thoughts, and the harsh new realities I face, I could hardly appreciate the Pacific Ocean as I walked past it (I hear its roar every second) for a couple of days. It’s such a waste, really, when I SO looked forward to seeing it everyday.

I looked up for several seconds to stand in awe of that rainbow — to thank God for another day, and a new hope. The rainbow didn’t stay visible for long, but I managed to take a decent photo of it.

For me, that rainbow spelled “HOPE”. Even if that hope is short-lived, it is still hope.

It is hope that will sustain me in the coming days, as I wait for my husband to return.

It is hope that things will get better where I am now.

It is hope that a clear answer will come to our heartfelt prayers.

It is hope that we can let go when necessary — without looking back in regret.

I pray fervently for HOPE. Please, give us hope.

The Power of a Mother’s Prayer

Two weeks ago, the mother of Philippine democracy, former president Corazon (Cory) Aquino, was laid to rest beside her husband Ninoy. Our nation mourns the loss of a strong, courageous, peaceful and prayerful woman. She was known to pray every single day, several times a day, for her family and for our country. She was quoted as saying:

“So I cannot think of myself as being separate from the good Lord. And my whole day is dedicated to Him. I mean, I say that in the beginning of the day, and at the end of the day, I address myself to the Lord. So I pray that those who do not believe in Him hopefully will be given that grace, to go to Him so that their lives will be that much better, and that they will be able to handle whatever problems or trials come their way.” – Excerpt from her interview with Dr. Shann Ferch, 2007

Much has been said about the power of prayer. I live every moment of my life in constant communication with our Father in heaven and I cannot imagine any other life without it. He is the reason for my being, my hope and purpose for living. Also, my many prayers would have been for naught without our good Lord who answers each and every one of them. And I believe that many of my answered prayers are prayers my mom also said for me and my sister.

I recently had a wonderful conversation with two mothers in one of our larger congregations. I asked them if they believed in the power of their prayers for their families and they both readily agreed. Many times it could feel like God is not answering their prayers for their children when, as teenagers, they struggle to find their identities and establish themselves in their world. They make a lot of mistakes that cause them pain and make them take the rebellion road, but they eventually find their way back and realize who brought them there.

One mother was very grateful that her daughter, whom she prayed for and spent sleepless nights crying over, realized the error of her ways and has dedicated herself to serving her church through her gifts. Only later did this mother realize that she had prayed for this specifically many years ago and had almost forgotten about it until it came to fruition.

The other mom firmly believes that no matter what happens to her children, they will always go back on the right track because God honors all her prayers for them. She is now enjoying the fruit of those prayers as her children remain open with her and also share their faith with their office colleagues and friends. She enjoys a close relationship with them and continues to pray for them.

My mom always prayed for me and my sister. She prayed that God would always look after us, that he would draw us closer to him, that he would protect us from harm, that he would give us good and loving husbands who would also faithfully provide for us, and that God’s purpose for us will be fulfilled. Many violent storms have passed in our lives since our mom went home to our Lord, but we have weathered them all because our Father honored each and every heartfelt prayer. Some storms left us battered and bruised, but we still stand because of God’s goodness and mercy, and his faithfulness to our mom who dedicated her life to him.

I miss my mom. Whenever I begin to wonder if anyone out there is praying for me, I think of her and know that her prayer lives in me and sustains me. I pray that all mothers will realize how special and powerful their prayers are. In the midst of all our worries and fears, our Lord urges us to pray and he promises his blessed peace.
6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 4:6-7 (New International Version)

What Dreams May Come

This is the title of a movie I’ve seen many years ago starring Robin Williams and Annabella Sciorra. The movie, What Dreams May Come, came out in 1998 and described its plot this way: After life there is more. The end is just the beginning. I distinctly remember feeling very sad yet slightly bewildered after seeing it. It is definitely not a popcorn-and-soda movie and one needs to dig deeply and somewhat uncomfortably into oneself to be able to appreciate it. It makes the viewer ask the age old question, “Is there life after death?”

It has been almost ten years since my mother passed away. I never thought I would lose her so soon and just when I turned thirty. She passed away two days after my birthday, and barely five months into my marriage.

It is understandable, I guess, for me to dream of her every single day since she passed. This went on for many years since but, for some unexplainable reason, I couldn’t reach her – even in my dreams. I would always wake up frustrated, depressed and in tears because my mother would be so close to me in my dreams, almost touching me, and then she would either fade away or refuse to be touched. For the life of me I couldn’t understand why. I remember asking her why she wouldn’t hug me and she would always have some vague reason that she had to go to a place where I couldn’t follow. I suppose dreams are vague, unless they are used to give us a specific message, the way they happened in biblical times.

It did happen to me, though. I believe with all my heart that God sent my mother to deliver a message to me when I needed to hear it most. For the first time, the scenario of the dream was very accurate – from my bed and overhead lamp in the dorm where our church was having a weekend retreat, to the green trash bin at the narrow hallway to the left of our door. Every detail was accurate and current.

I needed to know so badly that my mother was not alone and that she was at peace when she passed on. My sister, husband and I were not with her in the hospital when she died because of several complicated situations that were beyond our control. She was already gone and the respiratory machines were already silent when we reached her bedside. I remember looking up into the ceiling lights, not really seeing them, hoping that her spirit was still inside the room, hovering above us and hearing our farewells.

As I go back to that lonely dorm only two months after she passed, I remember being awakened by something – or someone. It seemed like it was 3 AM and everyone was asleep. As I tentatively opened the door of our room, I saw my mother standing just a few inches from me, radiant and smiling. She wanted to tell me something and I remember sobbing in my sleep and wanting to just run to her and put my arms tightly around her. She took my arm and led me just outside the door, next to the green trash bin. What she told me changed my whole perspective of the day she passed and took away the guilt I carried with me.

The first thing she told me was, “I’m alright, don’t worry about me.” And my tears flowed. She then gave me the hug I had always longed for as she kept saying, “I’m alright.” That was all I needed to hear. I woke up that instant, back inside the room, on my bed with the overhead lamp, sobbing uncontrollably. I thanked God for sending her to me and giving me the assurance I needed so badly. And to this day, ten years later, I look back at that time and know that God had answered my deepest prayer.

At the start of this year, I began dreaming of my mother in a whole new place. I still dream of her at least three times a week and this time, I am able to touch, hug and kiss her. We are able to talk about everything the way we used to when she was still around, and there is much hope and happiness. In fact, I dream of her, my father (who passed away twenty years ago) and my sister, together again as one family – but this time, with my husband and with my sister’s kid.

I would tell my husband how, this time, I no longer feel that my parents are far away from me. In fact, they are very much alive in me, in my heart and in my whole being. I no longer feel lost and disconnected. And I find myself praying and asking God to tell my mother and father that I miss them, and that I want them to see how happy I am with my husband, and how great a mother my sister has turned out to be. I know they know!

For those of us who have lost our loved ones, we can take comfort and hope in God’s promise to all of us in 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18, New Living Translation:

“And now, brothers and sisters, I want you to know what will happen to the Christians who have died so you will not be full of sorrow like people who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus comes, God will bring back with Jesus all the Christians who have died.

I can tell you this directly from the Lord: We who are still living when the Lord returns will not rise to meet him ahead of those who are in their graves. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven with a commanding shout, with the call of the archangel, and with the trumpet call of God. First, all the Christians who have died will rise from their graves. Then, together with them, we who are still alive and remain on earth will be caught up in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air and remain with him forever. So comfort and encourage each other with these words.”

I Don’t Have A Hat!

Come and listen, all you who fear God;

let me tell you what he has done for me.

I cried out to him with my mouth;

his praise was on my tongue.

 

If I had cherished sin in my heart,

the Lord would not have listened;

But God has surely listened

and heard my voice in prayer.

 

Praise be to God,

who was not rejected my prayer

or withheld his love from me!

 

Psalm 66: 16-20

 

I was in third grade, at the top of my class, and class president to boot! My mom was one of the most respected high school teachers in the school where my sister and I went, so you could say we held some clout in those days.

It was the Christmas season, a very special time of the year where we come from, so there was to be a school celebration. Each class was expected to perform a very special number in the school grounds. My class practiced a routine for many weeks and we were all feeling rather confident and excited for the big day.

But what really got us going was the costume! It was our chance to be out of our dreary school uniforms and in our best Christmas clothes. While we were given the freedom to wear whatever we wanted, as long as it was special and appropriate for the occasion, we all had to wear a red had with a white pompom at the top – something Santa would wear, I suppose.

As I’ve mentioned earlier, I was at the top of my class, so the assumption is that I was pretty bright, right? I thought so, too, then, except that for some unexplainable reason, I missed that last requirement. Was I absent from class when our teacher told us to wear red hats with pompoms or was I simply not listening at that time? I am still wondering to this day.

The day of our performance came and I went to school in a very special blue denim-type dress, with red piping on the sleeves and collar. I designed it myself and it was sewn by my grandmother on the condition that I pull out as much of her white hair as I could in a few days. I know, it was not a cheap dress.

As I entered our classroom, I began to notice all the red hats with white pompoms. They were just made out of red board, shaped into a cone, because ready-made Santa hats were not yet available to us in those days. I asked my classmates why they had it and if I needed to have one too. I eventually told my teacher that I didn’t have one, and while she was very kind, I started to feel panic rising in my chest and some tears welling up in my eyes. I was class president and I didn’t have a hat! I was so embarrassed!

I remember asking God then to give me a hat. My mom had already taught me how to pray as a very young child and I knew who Jesus was to me in my very young mind. I also remember finally giving way to tears after that short prayer and running the seemingly endless road to the high school faculty room where my mom was. When I finally reached her, I cried my heart out and told her that I needed a red hat with a pompom, and that I needed it soon. The program was about to start and my class had already formed a line at the school grounds. I was not only late, I was not even going to make it!

After drying up my tears and giving me much needed comfort, my mom called some of her best students and asked me to describe the hat to them. To make the very long story really short, I had my hat. It was red, it had white pompoms at the top, and it fit me just right. And I performed the routine with my classmates, smiling, as my mom watched proudly from a distance.

Pinky Winky

He will not let your foot slip –

he who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed, he who watches over Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.

 

The Lord watches over you –

the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon by night.

 

The Lord will keep you from all harm –

he will watch over your life;

the Lord will watch over your coming and going

both now and forevermore.

 

Psalm 121: 3-8

 

Remember those cute pillow dolls (stuffed dolls, as they are referred to now) a lot of us five or six-year-old kids got for Christmas or for our birthday sometime in the ‘70s? Okay, let me just clarify that I am 38 years old so I’m speaking mostly to those my age.

I remember vividly that my older sister got a Little Red Riding Hood doll – yes, the one that got lost in the forest and almost got eaten by a wolf. It had an almost round face (most of those dolls had that “almost round face”), a bright red hooded coat, and a book on its chest made from the same fabric. What really fascinated me at that age, and caused a little bit of envy, was that the “book” on its chest had around five fabric pages which we could actually flip through!

Each page had one popular nursery rhyme printed on it and some illustrations as well. My sister and I had a lot of fun with Miss Riding Hood and we learned and memorized our first few nursery rhymes from her very red and ample bosom. And yes, this is a very wholesome, if not literal, description.

I, on the other hand, got a Pinky Winky doll. I guess from the name alone you would surmise that it was a pink doll – and it was. It also had the same almost round face as Miss Riding Hood’s, but instead of a book, it wore a robe that simply overlapped. And instead of nursery rhymes, it contained two short prayers.

Now you need to understand that for a very impressionable five or six-year-old, the more “accessories” a toy had, the “better” it was. My Pinky WInky did not have a book with pages I could flip nor did it have any fun nursery rhymes. Needless to say, I felt that I got the raw end of the deal and didn’t exactly relish memorizing prayers. One of the prayers went this way:

Angel of God, my guardian dear

To whom God’s love commits me here

Ever this day, be at my side

To light and guard

To rule and guide

Amen.

The other prayer is one that many parents teach their kids to this day.

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord, my soul to keep

And if I should die before I wake

I pray the Lord, my soul to take.

Our dear mom faithfully prayed these prayers with me and my sister before we went to bed each night. In the course of praying them daily, we eventually memorized them. Bedtime rituals were not complete without saying these prayers as we knelt by our beds, with our tiny hands clasped tightly, our heads bowed and our eyes shut.

Those prayers became a source of comfort to us and brought us peace and many sweet dreams in our sleep. I distinctly remember reading the prayers over and over even after praying them. I somehow found solace in reciting them and looking at the drawings that accompanied them – drawings of angels and a child in bed by an open window, with the moon and stars shining through. And eventually, I learned to cherish my Pinky Winky and lovingly tucked her in bed with me every night.

Did God answer those prayers? I believe He did! And even now as I remember these things, I know that God has, indeed, guided and guarded me (my sister and our parents, too) all these years. Our Lord has been watching over us and has promised to always keep us in His care. And His answer to our childhood prayers wields power that transcends time! Yes, God’s answer to our prayers then is as relevant and powerful today as it was when He first gave it.

Both our parents have since gone to heaven and I know that their spirits are kept safe in God’s hands. My sister and I have also accepted Jesus Christ as our personal Savior when we were still in our teens. Our futures are secure despite the physical circumstances that may say otherwise, and our lives now are deeply hinged within the Master’s framework.

If I should die before I wake, I know the Lord, my soul will take.

Reflections On The Year That Was

It’s January 2006. For most people, it’s a time to write down some new resolutions. For some, on the other hand, it’s the opportunity to review last year’s goals and resolutions, revise those that no longer fit, and improve on those that have not been faithfully followed.

For me, I cannot help but reflect on the events of the past year and how they have affected or changed me. It is also inevitable that last year’s experiences will affect this year’s, hopefully in a positive way.

Year 2005 was a difficult year for my husband and me. We rode on quite a number of emotional roller coasters that, many times, left us drained, off balance and gasping for breath. Many times we felt like we were sinking into a financial abyss, where there were no safety nets or handles to grab onto. Hope was unsteady and seemed to come and go like the mist over the sea.

An empty fridge and pantry became a regular site, and missing a meal or two ceased to be a strange occurrence. Disillusionment in the church and workplace developed and truly tested our faith in, love for and obedience to God. Disappointment in people and betrayals from friends and fellow Christians weighed heavily upon our hearts. Christ’s promises seemed to blur in the midst of very trying and emotionally pain-filled experiences.

Our dire circumstances behooved us to get on our knees more and fix our eyes on Jesus. After all, people let us down, situations let us down, and even our own snail-paced growth let us down. And yes, we encountered that bump in the ceiling where our tear-filled prayers seemed to endlessly and hopelessly collect.

If there was anything I learned from all the pain and troubles of the past year, it is this: God answers our prayers according to His perfect will.

I prayed for faith – He gave me challenges to test and grow His faith in me.

I prayed for a deeper knowledge of Him – He gave me pain to see people, things and circumstances through His love-filled eyes.

I prayed for thirst for Him and His word – He gave me desolation to bring me to my knees and desire Him over anything and anyone.

I prayed for utter dependence on Him – He took away all forms of security to teach me to pray for my needs and trust that He will provide.

I prayed for courage – He allowed my fears to surface to lead my wavering heart to Jesus.

I prayed for more of His revelation in my life – He gave me an inner ache to direct my heart and soul to the Holy Spirit and open myself to His loving and powerful enlightenment, as well as visions of His everlasting kingdom.

When my husband and I reflected on what one thing we would ask God for in this life, if there was only one prayer He would grant us, we both knew in our hearts that we would ask for more of Jesus and less of us in our lives. We are nothing if not servants of the Most High God, and He is most gracious and merciful to call us His children and heirs of His kingdom.

We both realized that despite our often times desperate financial situation, we would rather have Jesus than material wealth. We can take physical hunger but will be utterly desolate without Christ’s spiritual nourishment in our lives. We will go where the Father leads us, even if it will mean a lot of physical, financial and emotional sacrifice. Because if there is anything we are certain of, it is God the Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit. God WAS, IS and always WILL BE!

My husband and I don’t have it all together yet – perhaps we never will in this lifetime. But 2006 suddenly doesn’t look so daunting. God has prepared us for this year, and will continue to do so in the years to come. And even when we find ourselves ill-equipped, Christ is more than able and certainly more than enough to pull us through life’s hurdles.

Jesus Christ is more than enough – He is everything! Let us throw away everything that hinders us (superficial faith, self-righteousness, self-sufficiency, etc.) and fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith. It’s 2006. Isn’t it about time?

My Purpose – A Lifelong Journey of Faith

One of the more frightening experiences for me years back was when I was asked a question that directly and unmercifully confronted my beliefs, ideals and the very reason for my existence. But even more daunting was, I did not have the answer to it! A very fundamental challenge was thrown at me and I was completely unprepared to tackle it. Worse, I felt like the whole world was watching when I dodged the challenge! What humiliation I felt! It was all about pride and the fear of being placed in a very tight spot where there seemed to be no escape. And as a human being, I was not an exception to either one.

When asked a few years ago what my purpose in this life was, I thought very long and hard, mentally reviewed all the sermons I heard in my lifetime (and maybe even came up with something quite witty), and tried to recall some well-known and oft quoted Bible verse that somehow explained the whole concept in just a sentence or two. Surely there was a quick answer to this one, or so I thought. It was a simple enough question and a “true and faithful” Christian would certainly know the answer. Well, I didn’t. The Bible, too, would surely have the answer and all I needed to do was pray, flip the pages, keep my fingers crossed (if my fingers were still up to the task) then miraculously end up with THE page that would have the answer I seek. Well, this never happened either. The question of purpose was not one that popped up frequently in my daily conversations and it was certainly not something I intentionally thought about then, much less pondered upon, until fairly recently.

In this world of fast food, express counters and instant noodles, I sometimes cannot help but desire some quick and easy answers to some really tough and painful life questions. My journey as a Christian has been, and still is, full of challenges and not a few heartaches scattered here and there. While I would never exchange my life in Christ with any other, I would have to admit that there were many times when I felt like giving up the fight. These were the times when I saw no light at the end of a very long tunnel, no pot of gold at the end of what seemed like an endless rainbow, and no God beyond the vast sea of clouds. These were the times when I fervently desired and sought the “quick and easy” solutions to my problems. And these were the times when I began to ask myself what my purpose in this life was, but was too afraid to seek the answers.

Before all these, however, I experienced much happiness and peace growing up. I grew up in a God-fearing home where many prayers were said before meals and at bedtime, and good values were taught and lived. My mother was a faithful Christian who loved the Lord with all her heart and devoted the latter part of her life to serving him full-time. My father was a good man and strove to be the best provider he could be. And my sister continues to be a faithful servant of the Lord in another part of the world. The Bible was very much a part of our lives growing up and stories of David slaying the giant and Noah building the ark to “save all the animals” were favorite bedtime stories. With this relatively “spiritual” background, I learned how to pray early on and learned some things about Jesus’ life and love for all of mankind.

I had led a relatively secure and “hassle-free” life, with the very painful exceptions of my father and mother passing away several years ago, and my only sister having to leave the country to be with the man she married. God has been gracious to me. He has allowed me to experience wonderful relationships and build good memories despite the great loss. And not so long ago, he gave me a very loving husband who is now a pastor and who faithfully serves Him. The Lord has also allowed me to be part of a very fulfilling ministry and to belong to a community of believers who truly love and serve God. I can easily recall more joyful moments than sad. But most of all, God has allowed me to experience Him, his grace, mercy and unconditional love, even at a very young age.

But looking back now, those happy experiences were there to prepare me for some of the pains of life that were yet ahead of me. After all, a Christian’s life is one that experiences Christ’s pain and suffering on the one hand, and his joy and peace on the other. And as I reflected on all these experiences, some important realizations and life lessons came to mind.

Some of the important lessons I learned were that if I wanted to know who I really was and what my real purpose in life was in the light of God’s word, then I would need to look long and hard at myself. I would have to be completely open and honest with myself, even if it meant having to be confronted by some very unpleasant facts. I would have to accept all my faults and weaknesses, and surrender them to God for his forgiveness and redemption. With these in mind, I realized that there was one thing that seemed to cripple me and hold me back from truly experiencing all the joys in life that were there for the taking; from entering all the doors of opportunity held open for me, and from giving all I had to my family, friends, and to the one I called my God. It was fear.

Fear paralyzed me and claimed everything that I felt was “rightfully” mine. I was always one step short of reaching my goal, of claiming this prize, or of achieving that award. I was too afraid of failing and of getting hurt that I just could not let go. I always seemed to tell myself that things were sometimes too good to be true and that something has got to give. It came to a point where I doubted God and his faithfulness and questioned his good intentions and purpose for me. If God wanted me to be happy, if he desired that his children have life and have it abundantly, then why did he take away everything that really mattered to me – my family, my job, and my sense of security – and allow me to experience so much pain that there seemed no point or purpose for living? I did not ask for riches. I did not desire to conquer the huge corporate world and be the big boss. But I obeyed him the best way I could, faithfully prayed and studied his word, actively served in church, and tried to love and forgive others. Is this not what true Christianity teaches? Was I not living it? Was this not my purpose in life? Why did God and those I loved the most abandon me? Why was I always so afraid?

As I struggled with these thoughts and with the pain for many years, God brought me to a place of isolation. It was just the two of us, “face to face”, with all our cards laid out on the table. He placed all my doubts and fears right in front of me and gently but firmly told me to confront them. One by one, my doubts crumbled before me. My fears chided me but were erased with such power that the slate was wiped clean. I was left with no defences before my God and my fearful heart was laid bare before him. God’s overwhelming love washed over me and cleansed me, and my life is now forever changed. He asked nothing but my total surrender. He sought nothing but my love in return for his. After all, he gave his one and only Son to die for me. His words rang loud and clear: “There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out all fear…”[1] God’s perfect love truly cast out my fears. They are not all completely gone, but my God is completely faithful.

And so my journey of faith with the Lord drastically changed course – and it deepened. It had begun many years before but it was only beginning to deepen in so many ways. God showed me that my life was not all about me. It was not about my dreams, ambitions and desires in life. Yes, God desired everything that was good for me, but our definition of “what was good for me” differed in so many ways. Again, I was reminded of his words: “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.”[2] Had the Lord not stepped in many times in my life, I know I would be lost. Had he “given up on me” – as if his great love ever could – death would surely be my only destiny.

But God had other plans for me, plans that would bring me life and not death. The Almighty God had an almighty plan – and it included an insignificant ME! He states it clearly in his word: “God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.”[3] Just when I thought it would be impossible for God to change my wayward heart and messed up life, things began to change and the pieces of the puzzle began falling into their rightful places. God began taking away all my other sources of security and taught me to depend solely on HIM. Every job I ever held brought me more financial hardship than prosperity. It became a pattern in my life and it was almost tragic! My pride in my intellect, education and other academic and work accomplishments did not mean anything to the Almighty and all-knowing God! He did not need my resources and he certainly did not want anything I considered my own in order for him to do his miraculous work in me. And even more shocking to me, he did not want me to “succeed” in this world – not in the way I understood success to be. Instead, God wanted me to succeed in Him!

It was a long and bittersweet experience as God lovingly but surely took away everything that hindered me from surrendering my whole life to him. He wanted ME – my whole life, my whole being – nothing more and nothing less. He showed me that he could and would provide for my daily needs, and even the desires of my heart according to his holy and perfect will. The Lord could do all these even without the security of a job that could eventually take me away from HIM and his purpose for me. He gave me a husband who is now my “family”, who would provide well for me, and who would dedicate his life to serving the Lord full-time. And God showed me that he wanted me to serve HIM as well, by loving and serving my husband and serving alongside him.

God has been truly gracious. Just when I thought that my sin would forever condemn me, HE forgave me and washed me clean. Oh, the joy I felt in my heart to be given a fresh start – a new lease on life! My heart wanted only to sing his praises and dwell in his house forever. Psalm 40:1-5 became a joyful reality in my life and the song in my heart:

“1I waited patiently for the Lord;

he turned to me and heard my cry.

2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

3 He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear

and put their trust in the Lord.

4 Blessed is the man

who makes the Lord his trust,

who does not look to the proud,

to those who turn aside to false gods.

5 Many, O Lord my God,

are the wonders you have done.

The things you planned for us

no one can recount to you;

were I to speak and tell of them,

they would be too many to declare.”

Indeed, blessed is any person who makes the Lord his or her trust! God has shown me what his true blessings are. He has allowed me to experience his love and peace even in the onslaught of trials and tests. He has given me joy in pain, peace in suffering, and hope in darkness. He brought his praises to my lips when only tears would fall and I am now forever grateful to my God. My purpose for living had suddenly become clear – I was made to worship and praise the Lord! Even the angels praise the Lord day and night (Revelation 4:8-9)! In all things and in all circumstances, I must worship and praise him. I may be rich or poor, successful or not by the world’s standards, but I must still worship my Lord anyway – in any and all circumstances. This is now the prayer I say daily and hope to live by. The almighty and sovereign God is worthy of our praise (1 Chronicles 16:25). Anything less than this is simply not enough. If I call myself a Christian, then I must live by that great name and praise HIM who loved me and died for me.

I am now a new creation with a new purpose. By God’s grace, I am now “crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me”.[4] I no longer desire what the world can offer if it would mean my alienation from God and his people. While material wealth can and does help alleviate physical suffering, it no longer holds me captive to its worldly charms. I now look at it as a tool that God uses in the hands of his people – hopefully, for HIS holy use. I no longer define “success” as acquiring material wealth, achieving a high status in life, gaining recognition and accolades, or accomplishing MY goals in life.

God has also graciously taught me what true contentment really is. The phrase, “godliness with contentment is great gain”[5] is now very clear and real to me. It is a lesson God continues to impress upon me everyday. Waking up to a brand new day with my sweet and loving husband beside me, eating simple yet wonderful meals, looking out into our garden and watching God’s power at work in the things that breathe and grow – oh, what a delight it is to rest in the Lord! The world’s pleasures begin to fade as I reflect on His awesome creation before me. Now, I ask myself again, is this not what Christianity is all about? Am I not living out God’s purpose for me? Yes, now I can say that I am. But there is more to it than simply enjoying God’s blessings on my own, and God is merciful to once again bring me into another aspect of his purpose for me.

There is a world out there crying out to God for his mercy and saving grace. He has forgiven me, he has loved me so much, and he has given me so much more than I can ever deserve. And now God is telling me to love the world as he loves me! There is no excuse and I am not an exception. All the pain the Lord has allowed me to experience is but a small drop in a very large bucket of world suffering. Can I make a difference for God? Maybe not, but HE CAN make a difference through me! I may have to face big battles to follow him, but I have an even bigger God who will fight them for me! I need not be afraid anymore. The Lord has conquered my fears and he will more than make up for my weaknesses, for he has said, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”[6]

I should now live my life as a conduit of God’s blessings to the world he so loves. God has commanded us to “…go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you…”[7] If I desire to sincerely worship and praise God, and if I claim to love him, then I must obey him. The task is daunting, but it is more than achievable because God has already declared his victory in Christ. “Death has been swallowed up in victory”[8] and God “gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ”.[9]

As I worship and praise the Lord, I must also share his awesome love and saving grace to those around me. As God so loved the world, so must I also love the world and pray for the nations that have not yet heard of Jesus Christ and his gospel. I need to pray for and support all efforts toward preaching his gospel to the whole world. God expects nothing less of me and he continues to give me all I need to develop a heart that beats for the world. I can no longer bask in his love and enjoy being saved while the rest of the world groans in agony under the oppressive veil of the enemy.

God’s mission needs to accompany the purpose he has given me. And if I continue to surrender to his will and obey his command, he has promised to be with me always, “to the very end of the age”.[10] What an awesome promise! Surely this is what I, and everyone else God has created, was born for! As I read about God’s blessed hope for all of mankind who, in the end, choose to obey him, I cannot help but shiver in anticipation: “…and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore, encourage each other with these words (italics mine).”[11] How I long for this time! How I long to be reunited with my parents and with the rest of my family, and to see the world worship and praise God! And how I long to dwell in the house of the Lord forever! But while I live on this earth, I must learn to encourage others with this hope that God has given me.

Should anyone come up to me now and ask me what my purpose in this life is, I will no longer be afraid. I will no longer hesitate and look around me for the answers, nor will I pretend to be witty, and flip through the pages of an invisible Bible. This is no longer about my pride. I can no longer deny God’s grace in my life and the wonderful things he has done for me. I am still on a journey of faith with the Lord, and I know he will continue to reveal his purposes for me as I grow in his truth and love. But for now, God’s purposes for me – to worship and praise him, to share his love and gospel to the world through the power of his Holy Spirit, and to dwell with him forever – will give me the boldness to speak, coupled with the humility to acknowledge His powerful work in and through me. This is my prayer. This is my purpose.

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[1] I John 4:18, NIV

[2] Proverbs 14:12, NIV

[3] Hebrews 11:40, NIV

[4] Galatians 2:20, NIV

[5] I Timothy 6:6, NIV

[6] 2 Corinthians 12:9, NIV

[7] Matthew 28: 19-20, NIV

[8] 1 Corinthians 15:54, NIV

[9] 1 Corinthians 15:57, NIV

[10] Matthew 28:20, NIV

[11] 1 Thessalonians 4:16-18, NIV