Existence Is A Wonderful Thing

Flower PaintingI came across an article in the newspaper a few days ago as I carefully sipped my steaming mug of brewed coffee in a quiet spot overlooking the freshly rained-on pine trees. I needed very much to be reminded of the heart of the article – “existence is a wonderful thing”.

I wish I took note of the name of the author. She expressed in writing what I felt in my heart but could not make myself articulate out loud. Let me quote a paragraph she wrote:

“Existence is a wonderful thing, To exist, to be there, But more often than not, you get so caught up in the idea of getting to a specific destination that you entirely forget where you are right now. That, my dear, is where you start.”

Anxiety disorder causes one to worry so much about the future that one fails to simply breathe and focus on the NOW.

It is very difficult for my mind not to race. One thought (usually plans or goals) leads to another, and then another, until I get too anxious because the thoughts, more often than not, turn into fears. Fear that I will not be able to do what I had planned in my mind. Fear that the obstacles I imagined will be too great for me to hurdle without hurting myself in the process.

All my fears are self-imposed. They have not happened yet. They are not even reality. Yet I feel anxious about them almost everyday, and these anxieties stop me from existing — from living day-to-day. From even falling asleep or breathing normally.

It is an everyday struggle – to not get caught up in the idea of getting to a specific destination that I entirely forget where I am right now.

I have recently gone back to painting. It was a huge step in my recovery process because I was somehow able to overcome my fear and anxiety about just starting. And deliberately selecting the smallest paintbrush, I very slowly applied paint to canvas. The whole process was meant for me to slow down, to live in the now and stop the constant worrying about the future. It certainly helped.

To exist in the now is truly a wonderful thing.

The attached photo is my recently finished oil painting of my flower photograph. Yes, I do photography as well.

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The Right Tools for The Right Job

ToolsThat’s right — the “right” (as opposed to the “left”) tools meant for certain jobs DO make that job easier.

Just a couple of weeks ago as I was de-cluttering and cleaning the house, this thought crossed my mind a few times.

While it is absolutely awful of me not to have changed my scouring pad (for pots and pans) for 2 months, I dilly-dallied on purchasing a new one. Why? I was still able to scrub the black soot off of the pot bottoms with the thinning scouring pad, though it took more elbow grease than necessary.

I became so used to exerting maximum effort that I began to believe that I was using the right tool for the job.

So I finally bought the heavy-duty and thick scouring pad just last week and voila! Just a little pressure from my fingers and the soot on the pans held no resistance. OMG! Why did I delay replacing my old thin scouring pad? All I needed was the right tool for the job.

Some of the other “realizations”:

Floor cleaner to mop the floors — an all-purpose cleaner simply doesn’t do as good a job as a cleaner formulated especially for cleaning the floors. Again, for the sake of not having too many products on hand, I used an all-purpose cleaner for the floors for several weeks. Not the same, especially when you have dogs that drool and leave traces of muddy paw prints in their wake.  It also doesn’t do a great job on glass. The glass cleaner was so much better!

A hack saw to “cut” thick branches – our shrub cutter (like humongous scissors) gave my elbow an unpleasant shock. It was just not built for thick sturdy branches full of hefty thorns. I finally decided, after many months of watching a pomelo tree in the back yard grow at the rate of 1 inch per hour (it seemed that way), to buy a proper saw. The hubby sawed away in just a few minutes. Whew! Now our cable TV satellite is no longer obstructed.

Honestly, not all the DIY posts we see on Facebook or Youtube actually work. I’ve tried many. While I try to avoid using too many chemical- based products, some DIY “earth-friendy” products are just not made for certain jobs.

The right medication and treatment for certain medical conditions – definitely no DIY or self-diagnosing here. A 10-session back therapy for lumbar instability (based on an x-ray) and severe back pain was the right tool for the job. All the mentholated patches, hot pads and exercises did not alleviate the pain because it was NOT muscle pain. I just self-diagnosed it as such.

So I think I will just stick with the right tools. They DO make life a little bit easier.

Some people are worth letting go of…

Letting Go Quote

I came across this quote and realized how much this applies to me.

I care about people — my family, relatives, friends, co-workers — especially when much time is spent together, whether at work or at leisurely activities — and especially when life is shared. Sometimes I think I care too much.

Being a very imperfect person, it is not too difficult for me to forgive others their flaws. On the other hand, breach of trust is an issue that is very challenging for me to forgive.

So when relationships have to end (this is excluding my husband and immediate family) — when the time comes where I need to let go of people, no matter the closeness developed — I am deeply hurt. It takes a while for me to recover, often times spiraling down into depression — until I finally realize that I don’t need to keep this person who has deeply offended me in my life.

I am sure they hardly spare a thought for me — so it’s best that I also stop thinking of them and move on. However, our memories don’t simply forget. It is inevitable for us to remember the people, the circumstances, and the feelings associated with them. The point is to let go every time — EVERY TIME.

Like anything that involves our growth and development as a person, it is a process. And I want to celebrate each success — each time I am able to let go of a person I don’t need in my life — every person who just pulls me down. They are not worth it. They are not worth the pain I suffered — so it won’t happen again.

Letting go of people will also open up more space in my heart to let other people in. Love doesn’t stop. Caring doesn’t stop. I just need to learn to discern better.