Stress and Hope – Can They Co-exist?

It sure doesn’t feel that way.

The external stressors the past weeks that culminated in a major episode yesterday after breakfast – again, from external factors – have left me and my husband frazzled and our nerves frayed.

No sales for me for almost 2 years. Single income family since then, yet having to support an extra family member, also for 2 years, with an un-acknowledgd and undiagnosed mental illness. And then there are the bills that come like clockwork and the worldwide pandemic.

I’m sure we’re not the only one going through our share of suffering. However, the suffering of each person is unique and hope is present in some and not in others.

Yes, I am praying and hoping for all the suffering to end. I don’t want to wake up each morning the past 9 months or more saying, “another day…”, and saying it with dread. It is a very short prayer that has not received an answer. At least, none that I can connect or recall as an answer.

So, no, I don’t have an answer. I’m still in the midst of it. Sometimes the hope comes after that first dreadful prayer, perhaps some time in the middle of the day, and sometimes it is sustained.

Today, yesterday, tomorrow – we just need to keep moving on, with or without hope.

 

Covid-19 Quarantine and Mental Illness

Much has been written about this devastating and widespread virus that has claimed the lives of thousands and has caused severe economic down turns on a global scale.

And then there are the effects of the physical quarantine on millions of people  – both positive and negative – that have literally changed lives, perhaps permanently.

For those suffering from mental illness in its various forms and degrees, from one end of the spectrum to the other, the quarantine’s effect can be a totally different entity altogether.

I cannot speak for anyone else but myself. Each individual and each case is unique. I can’t stress this enough, so it is not wise nor fair to compare.

Being an introverted person with, what I would like to think, many creative talents, this extended home stay has been an advantage. I relish the unhurried pace. I enjoy the fact that I don’t have a deadline (other than the one I impose upon myself) and can work on creative projects to the minutest detail. It is a relief for me to not have to face many people in my line of work. Somehow, the ZOOM meetings are not as tedious, though they were stressful for me to use at first.

Having Bi-polar 2 Disorder is a challenge, especially when “week 3” of quarantine began. The “vacation” was over. What’s next? This is what the “mania” side of the disorder asked.

My medications and a very supportive husband have allowed me to be functional 80% of the time, even at home. However, it is important to differentiate between being able to function 80% of the time and functioning at only, say, 30% of “myself”.

By the 4th week, depression hit. This was the “30%”. When the depression side of Bi-polar 2 hits, it hits hard. The simplest tasks are even too difficult to think about, much less do, and sometimes overwhelming guilt exacerbates it. It has been almost 2 weeks now, with many days of severe depression.

At this time of quarantine, the guilt somehow increases tenfold because of all the thoughts that compete for attention – both the depressive and manic sides.

“I should be able to manage my time better. I should be able to accomplish more because I have more time to focus. I should be able to finish many projects by the time this quarantine is lifted. I should be less stressed out and depressed since I don’t have outside pressure from work. I should be looking for a better paying job after all this is over. I should not sleep too much even if my brain and body are exhausted.”

Well, my advice to myself would be…STOP!

Stop being so hard on myself that I end up back to square 1 – depression and guilt.

Stop blaming myself.

Stop expecting too much from myself. My productivity is reduced because of my condition, and I need to accept that, no matter how long it takes.

Stop berating myself for wanting the TV on so that my rushing thoughts focus on less stressful things, like dream home renovations.

Stop feeling guilty for wanting – needing – more rest.

For those of us who also suffer from “rushing thoughts’, rest for the mind is a must. And sleep is the only complete rest for this. If I need more sleep, especially when I am medicated, then I need to sleep. My body and mind need it. I’ll be all the better for it once I’ve had enough rest.

And this quarantine time is a good time to rest when necessary. Don’t feel guilty.

I do not know how long I would need to stay home. I don’t know when I will finally be able to walk outside and just enjoy the flowers blooming in this city I live in. I don’t know how much time our beloved senior dog will have left as she suffers from Acute Renal Failure. There are so many unknowns. And my brain is causing my head to physically ache almost everyday.

I don’t need to know them all. I can only take so much without breaking down completely. I can only wait, rest, do whatever activity I can, trust, hope, and stay in touch with family and friends.

For those of us who suffer from mental illness, especially during this lockdown in many parts of the world, let’s get all the support we need wherever we can. The safest way is online, via social media.

Get in touch with family, friends, or friends of friends through Facebook or any social media platform you may have. Reach out to someone you think you can trust. Stigma or not, your mental health and well-being are important. Someone you trust. Remember, someone you trust.

May God sustain us all and heal our land.

 

The Gospel for Mental Illness

Today is my 49th birthday.

Yesterday was a terrible day, from the morning discouragements leading up to midnight’s breakdown.

Mental illness sucks the life out of me even though I am surrounded by people who love me. It makes me feel ungrateful, sometimes, and I beat myself up for feeling this way. But mental illness is like that – it eats you up. Sometimes I am neither here nor there. The unseen boundaries within my brain can cause me to be highly functional and productive one day, and utterly helpless and hopeless the next.

A very good friend and pastor posted this on his wall this morning and it was the first post I read. Maybe this is God’s special gift to me today.

“If your gospel isn’t good news for people who suffer from mental illness, it isn’t the Gospel of Jesus.

One of the most gracious, generous and selfless people I have ever known was tormented by an illness that limited mental function. And yet, God’s love was more evident in her than most able-minded people I know.”

The replies and affirmations to his post also gave me strength somehow. There is strength in numbers, truly.

May all of us who suffer from mental illness find strength within ourselves, as God gives us His strength to pull us through. It is a lifetime of extreme highs and lows. It is an illness that most will never even come to terms with. It is a black dog that is always close by.

I pray for all of us. There may not be a total cure for mental illness but there is still hope, whenever we are “well enough” to lift up our heads to see the light. There IS a light that penetrates all this darkness.

I long for that day when I will be freed from the agony of this illness, here or in the next life. When my brain will finally stop spinning from endless screams of anxiety. When I will experience some measure of peace.

Philippians 4:6-7 is my most-read Biblical passage. I firmly believe that this was written for all of us who suffer from anxiety.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

What Philippians 4:6-7 Can Teach Us About Managing Anxiety