When Change Is Not What You Expected

I guess the title of this blog hints at what’s to come.

The beach – work-life balance. It’s all there.

So why do I find myself feeling lonely even while being tickled by the fine sand underneath my feet, witnessing the majestic waves and being swayed by the non-stop onslaught of fresh salty wind?

Gone is the “honeymoon” phase of my transition, as my sister reminded me. Why did I expect it to last?

Different folks adjust to change – even if it is a “better” change – differently. For some, adjustment takes a couple of weeks, while for others, it will take longer. I guess I am part of the latter.

I expected to be “okay” in under a week. What was I thinking? Why did I put that kind of pressure on myself?

My husband and I are both adjusting in different ways. We left the life and home we knew for more than 3 and a half years. We left behind our three dogs with a caretaker while we prepare their new home.

We left a cool climate up in the mountains to live in a hot, humid (though windy) beach side property. I work up a sweat even while standing still! That’s if I’m not anywhere directly hit by the wind.

I don’t know where or how to begin marketing properties in another unique culture. I have so much to learn!

Change – I will need to give myself the time and space I need to acclimatize – to settle in – to feel like I’m home.

When will this happen? I don’t know. I guess I’ll have to wait it out and live one day at a time.

When It’s Time For A Life Change

I don’t know. Has it been years since my last post?

Life happened. Past interests and passions faded into the background, replaced by the mundane task called “work”. Or should I say, “earning a living”.

Day in and day out, cleaning the house, washing dishes, feeding and caring for the dogs, washing and folding laundry, watching TV to ease the fatigue, and watching TV again.

I stopped playing my acoustic guitar, electric guitar and ukulele. I feel the pressure, reluctantly glancing at each instrument, feeling guilty for totally ignoring them. “Nope, I don’t see them”, I always tell myself.

And then there’s the blank canvas, still wrapped, sitting on a chair, waiting to be slathered on with oils. Oh, and my paint brushes are brand spanking new while my box of oil paints remains untouched. Guilt assails me once again.

This blog site sat unopened for years, it seems.

Where has my life gone? I mean, really LIVING! My work and daily chores became my life. Maybe for a while it worked out. It kept my place relatively neat and clean (I did say “relatively”), placed food on the table, paid the bills, and bought me a few extras to enjoy like a property investment and a car — though both are still on installment and eat up whatever remains in my bank account.

I had to keep asking myself: Is this all there is?

There are more than enough articles on this — some too generalized for me or lifted from another article to even take seriously. It IS different for everyone.

Change, and the reason for it, is different for everyone.

It’s time to head to the beach — literally.

It’s time to get real with myself. I need to be able to regain what’s left of my sanity and learn to really live again. I am nearing another critical juncture — middle age.

What makes me happy? What relieves me of stress? What CAUSES my stress in the first place? I’m talking about over-the-top stress levels – toxic people, negativism, pessimism.

I’m talking about beating myself up from guilt of not going for the things that give me peace and fulfillment. I’m talking about always beating myself up for suffering from mental disorders and not “accomplishing” enough. What is “enough”? It’s never enough.

So, it’s time to hit the beach.

I have always loved being in the water. I enjoy feeling the grainy sand under my worn out feet. It is like a foot scrub and massage at the same time. The warm breeze blowing from the Pacific Ocean calms my spirit and helps me to breathe in and breathe out in a rhythmic motion. Peace.

I will be there soon. My family will be with me soon.

It is time for change. It is time for my life change.